In the first installment of REAL MAN VS REAL MAM we take a look at REAL MAN Douglas Hofstadter and REAL MAM Ben Roethlisberger. I came across this comparison while on a manly roadtrip to Philadelphia from the midwestern states, along the way I crossed Bloomington Indiana and Pittsburgh Pennsylvania. You ask “they’re similarities?” Well both have done a wealth of work in one regard or the other, both have difficult to pronounce last names, both are champions in their own regards, both live in awful awful towns.  Whats the difference? one is a REAL MAN the other, the pretender, is a REAL MAM.

Lets take a deeper look.

We’ll start with the MAM – Roethlisberger. “I’ve wanted to apologize to them [fans] for so many things. For being immature, for being dumb, for being young, for not knowing any better, for molesting unwilling sex partners” he said. “For getting caught up in everything that was thrown my way. … In my heart, I know I haven’t been the best person, the best quarterback for the Steelers — I’m not talking just on the field, I’m talking off the field.” Off the field aside – lets talk about his success on the field.. he’s won two superbowls with a very strong Steelers team – but they were against the Seahawks and the Cardinals, teams that should really count their blessings they made it into the post seasons. The minute Roethlisberger – who was “built for this (success)” – faced a real team in the superbowl he melted like a hersey bar in hersey park in the summa timeee. Without the Steelers team he’s been so lucky to lead he’d be playing behind Tim Tebow. Of course there were the rapes – this has been well documented and needs no further discussion, the motorcycle accidents, and that manmantra’s unapproved  girl he’s standing next to.

Now for the REAL MAN. Douglas Hofstadter has been winding minds up into tizzies since the 1980′s – Roethlisberger wasn’t even born until 1982. Hofstadter was an established real man before Roethlisberger could grow a mullet. Hofstadter won a Puiltzer Prize which is worth at least two superbowls. This real man is discovering how the mind works, making intricate and brain bending comparisons to Godel’s incompleteness theorem, slamming veggie burgers, and still jogging around at age 66. And he’s got style. Ask Big Ben what a Fugue is. He probably thinks it’s the members of Godsmack’s first band. Compare those two t-shirts. Who do you think is going to get a sloppy chicken tender remnant blow job.  Not Douglas. Not Douglas.

our winner and real man Douglas Hofstadter.

no – we know no fear of no lite beer

The post-modern day man fears no lite beer, no skinny girl margarita, no vodka and soda with a pinch of mint and lime. The days of old where a man would stuff himself into a sweat stained pocket-less white t and cargo jeans before driving his truck to the convenience store to pick up a hustler are gone. We’ve pulled our pants up, put on a belt, went to a tailor, lost some pounds, chose a turkey burger over a regular burger, thrown away our calvin and hobbs praying window stickers, acknowledged the existence of trans fat, declined a superior beer for a low-cal adult beverage, threw away our hustlers in exchange for the naturally breasted women of real, and traded our sweat stained pocket-less tees for something that matched our shoes – but not too precisely.

The new model of man is the backup quarterback, the unwavering art historian, the rare vhs collector, the vegetarian AI theorist, the lean, the keen.

The new model male also resists douchebaggery. It’s a Charles Woodson as opposed to a Tom Brady. New model males do not conform to wearing men’s fashion uggs. Men’s uggs were meant for Australian hunting blood stained and practical. When Tom Brady was injured in the opening of the 2008 season he was dragged off the field – probably sobbing. When Charles Woodson broke his collarbone during the 2010-11 season superbowl he stayed in the game for a few more downs. He stayed and cheared along his teammates to victory. This is the truest testament of a man. A source of power and strength from the quite and overlooked corners.

Put away your brett favre jerseys, bible belts and Budweiser men. Pick up a light beer (not a bud light – even real men know taste) boil some quinoa whilst steaming broccoli on top. Follow us. Let us teach you the truth of manmantras.



Quinoa, spinach, eggs, vegetable juice, vodka.


My quest for perfect physical attainment begins once more as with the season of spring, a time for rebirth and bloom. With the trees and the plants, my body and mind remove the winter’s frost of a lax disposition, gluttony, and minimal physical activity. Five short months pass with little to no progress made. Hibernating through the final frigid months of winter, I find myself lost amidst family tragedy and without a job. In order to escape I fled the frozen midwest tundra to the tropical mountains and valleys of southern Mexico. While hiking the ancient ruins of Xochicalco and through the cliffs on the outskirts of Tepoztlan, I reestablish the importance of living within the stronghold of a very solid mantra. A mantra that has withstood the tests of time and served many brave free-spirits throughout the existence of man.

“Live life to its fullest.”

For eight days I was able to abandon the struggle of an unbalanced routine, employment termination, and Kansas City, Missouri. A nice place to live if you enjoy the daily grind and the monotonous mixed landscape of crime, yuppies, conservatives, fancy suburban Country Club Plaza shoppers, and tourists from nearby places like Oklahoma City. Sure there are no mountains to climb in Kansas City but there were certainly obstacles to overcome. I rejoined the fitness center after a somewhat extended period of lost time. I am on occasion walking to my new job, five dismal miles one way through dirty streets, abandoned parks, and busy polluted expressways. I may not be globetrotting, I may only be working for the corporate-coffee machine, but I am slowly advancing to the top, one 26-ounce-Double-Chocolate-Chip-Frappichino-with-extra-chocolate-drizzle-over-whipped-cream at a time. A slow pace but I’ve got the upperhand from the inside now. I am also currently preparing myself for the future by reading success stories as well as the manual to “Vagabonding” I am gaining other’s shared insight into “Living life to its fullest”.

As I continue onward with a fresh start, my spirit only slightly faded, will in time burn bright again, as bright as it had atop the ruins of Tepozteco. I will end this well-awaited post with the words of supermodel and fitness expert Marzia Prince.

“I take pride in my health and eating this way, I also do my part to help the planet and save the animals. It’s a [TRAIN 2] win win situation.”









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